Immature boys in the dining room: “Hey babe.”
Me: “Did you need something?”
Them: “Uh…” because they didnt expect me to answer
Me: “Maybe wait until your balls drop before hitting on girls twice your age boys.”
Them: “You’re not twice our age.”
Me: “Oh, you’re not 10?”
I’ve had a lot to think about the past few days with everything that’s been going on, but my mind keeps going back to one thing. To one paragraph. To a handful of words thrown together with the intention of sounding, I don’t know, caring or comforting I suppose. It’s funny because they had the opposite effect.
You take so much pride in being able to be mean to people who deserve it, which I understand because I do also, but do you take pride in being cruel to people who had no idea why they ever deserved such words? Words from specific people make more of a lasting impact because you value their opinions and their judgement. I valued your words and your opinions more than most anyone else’s because you were usually right. You hardly ever came to conclusions or made judgements that were unfounded, so I trusted you. I also trusted that you would show me kindness and consideration when chosing words aimed at me, like I did for you and for others. We both have nearly deadly potential with the way we weave the words we use, and knowing that, we choose our words carefully when speaking with those we cared about.
So what happened? In my world, things were good. Not great, I was busy and overwhelmed, but nothing was wrong. Then, from my point of view anyway, you were throwing knives at me, and god, did they cut me to pieces. Is that what you intended? To be so cruel to someone who had no idea why? Because that’s what it was. And those words, carefully chosen, I know, cannot be taken back. You realize they’re permanently etched in my mind? No one person that I have cared about and respected has ever said anything like that to me. Maybe it wasn’t as serious to you, but you’d be wrong in thinking it wasn’t serious to me. You know how I value the opinions of the people I chose I keep close to me so you knew what you were doing.
But those most recent words. They were appreciated and I meant the response, but it felt like nearly a joke. Like a slap in the face. You could say things like that to me, and then still care? Because it seemed like you didn’t. You didn’t care enough about us to even pretend to censor your words. You know, I had a whole thing typed out just as cruel in return, but I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t do that to you, no matter how much that had hurt. So I defended myself, probably was a bit mean, but in general I left it. Because I still valued what we’d had, even though you took it upon yourself to shatter it all.
And you may read this, I don’t know, but I hope you understand, even a little. You’ll probably be mad, and I’m sorry if you are, but it doesn’t even compare to how I felt. I’m open to discussion and maybe apologies, but not to much more. I knew who you were and who you were capable of being, but I never imagined it could be turned on me. Me, of all people. Some days I’m more than okay with you gone, but god, other days it sure does suck.
Happiness is one of the most wonderful and sought after feelings. As children, our joy was untarnished, pure in the truest sense of the word. Yet as we grew up, a little piece of our happiness was stolen each and every day. It was so gradual, so quiet that we only realised how empty we were, when we had nothing but a few shreds of joy left.
There comes a point in misery where self-pity turns into frustration; that you finally realise that we are all on our pursuit of happiness. The only reason why I’ve held onto my happiness for long is because my strength has not let it loose from my grasp. It’s not easy to keep it by you but it is definitely not impossible.
It brings me so much joy when I can make someone else happy; that I give them reason to smile more, to laugh more and to feel loved, truly and completely. Happiness is never selfish, that once you seize it, you should learn to gift this feeling to others, spreading joy wherever you can. It will make for a better world - a happier world.
“Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there’s no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!”—George Carlin (via loveyourchaos)
With the million possibilities that can shape the happenings of our lives, there is no doubt in my mind that everything happens for a reason. There are so many alternative routes we can take, so many variations of choices we can make, but the journey of our lives only follows one path. When we make a decision, we are never certain of the future outcomes; that the people we meet, the opportunities seized or missed and the lives we touch all serve some kind of purpose.
Only time will tell what these reasons are; that we will come to understand and appreciate the lessons taught. We are torn and broken as a testament of our strength and resilience. We know what it’s like to be truly happy so we can appreciate the good things when they happen. We love the right person because we are in turn, right for them. No matter what path you choose, no matter if it leaves you hurt and ruined, it will always be in hindsight, the correct choice if you can grow from it.
Thanks to Amylyn mostly. I worked, got a charger after going to seven places, and then got coffee with Tina and Amy and went shopping with Ame. And we talked and it was nice and I felt better. I still just feel really.. blahhh. Not happy, not sad. A little pissed, very shaken, and very upset, but idk. Its weird. And I’m home and I’m honestly nervous. It’s silly but I’m just nervous. How can someone’s stupidity do this to me? That pisses me off too. That they don’t even know the consequences of all this on me and my mom and my siblings. Ugh. I hate people. I really do. I hope something terrible happens to them.
And thanks for the messages in my ask guys, I can’t answer them from my phone and that’s all I’ve got now :/ I do appreciate it though, thank you so much