Haha she’s so cute

Immature boys in the dining room: “Hey babe.”
Me: “Did you need something?”
Them: “Uh…” because they didnt expect me to answer
Me: “Maybe wait until your balls drop before hitting on girls twice your age boys.”
Them: “You’re not twice our age.”
Me: “Oh, you’re not 10?”

Yeah. End of conversation.

I’ve had a lot to think about the past few days with everything that’s been going on, but my mind keeps going back to one thing. To one paragraph. To a handful of words thrown together with the intention of sounding, I don’t know, caring or comforting I suppose. It’s funny because they had the opposite effect.

You take so much pride in being able to be mean to people who deserve it, which I understand because I do also, but do you take pride in being cruel to people who had no idea why they ever deserved such words? Words from specific people make more of a lasting impact because you value their opinions and their judgement. I valued your words and your opinions more than most anyone else’s because you were usually right. You hardly ever came to conclusions or made judgements that were unfounded, so I trusted you. I also trusted that you would show me kindness and consideration when chosing words aimed at me, like I did for you and for others. We both have nearly deadly potential with the way we weave the words we use, and knowing that, we choose our words carefully when speaking with those we cared about.

So what happened? In my world, things were good. Not great, I was busy and overwhelmed, but nothing was wrong. Then, from my point of view anyway, you were throwing knives at me, and god, did they cut me to pieces. Is that what you intended? To be so cruel to someone who had no idea why? Because that’s what it was. And those words, carefully chosen, I know, cannot be taken back. You realize they’re permanently etched in my mind? No one person that I have cared about and respected has ever said anything like that to me. Maybe it wasn’t as serious to you, but you’d be wrong in thinking it wasn’t serious to me. You know how I value the opinions of the people I chose I keep close to me so you knew what you were doing.

But those most recent words. They were appreciated and I meant the response, but it felt like nearly a joke. Like a slap in the face. You could say things like that to me, and then still care? Because it seemed like you didn’t. You didn’t care enough about us to even pretend to censor your words. You know, I had a whole thing typed out just as cruel in return, but I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t do that to you, no matter how much that had hurt. So I defended myself, probably was a bit mean, but in general I left it. Because I still valued what we’d had, even though you took it upon yourself to shatter it all.

And you may read this, I don’t know, but I hope you understand, even a little. You’ll probably be mad, and I’m sorry if you are, but it doesn’t even compare to how I felt. I’m open to discussion and maybe apologies, but not to much more. I knew who you were and who you were capable of being, but I never imagined it could be turned on me. Me, of all people. Some days I’m more than okay with you gone, but god, other days it sure does suck.

Cause so much has been going on, BUT! I will be back to my regular work out program hopefully soon. I feel bad for not doing it :/